Soaring over the Atlantic at 30,000 feet
This 35th day into the Gregorian year 2025
On my way to the largest gathering humanity has ever had
(where I just heard a few dozen people were trampled to death at this Kumbh Mela)
After a two-week circuit including a night on a boat in Ventura
To a hot springs hike in Santa Barbara
Followed by a ‘Radical Intimacy’ weekend workshop
Then communing with Mt. Shasta
Ending with friends in Vegas baby Vegas…
I take some moments to jot down another healing angle. A linguistic opportunity that I sense will be far reaching. A culmination of numerous weeks of contemplation. NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), along with other modalities, stresses the importance of not only how we communicate with others, but also with ourselves.

On the recovery journey, I propose this distinction:

Victim vs. “I was victimized”

This is not a semantic game or play of words. This is an opportunity. Firstly, it is accurate, and precise. Immediately there is a separation. An important distinction – a space between who we are, and what we went through. Our experiences don’t (exclusively) define us.

Our identity, in significant part, is structured by our beliefs. And those beliefs are formed in part by our languaging. And that languaging is comprised of what we tell ourselves, and convey to others. Saying “I was victimized” puts it outside of ourselves – it almost becomes third person, seemingly once removed. The responsibility/emphasis goes on the perpetrator.

‘Victimized’ structurally refers to the past. Even if the incident/incidents were yesterday, or ten minutes ago – the events still relate to something prior. (Unless, of course, you are currently being victimized; if so, let’s follow Bob Newhart in the MadTV skit and “Stop it”) There is a healthy necessity of distancing ourselves from what happened.

The ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) philosophy goes a nice step beyond the traditional 12-step approach (which emphasizes introducing ourselves as and repeatedly stating “I’m an addict”, which can instill & solidify neural pathways that we might not want to permanentize. These pathways are a significant part of our experiencing the world). The ASCA model has three stages: Victim to Survivor to Thriver. This is a path of empowerment.

The caution, to be very strongly stated, is to not bypass. The victimization must be faced, and dealt with. The key is to not remain in those stories. This reality shift of distancing – potentially even rewriting the story – is for only after sufficient processing has occurred. Nothing can be skipped, no step not taken.

An added bonus will be an upswing in our relating. Constantly hearing of the same stories can grate on even the most patient of friends. There is a distinct energy shift being around someone who is very healed.

Very beautiful is how this languaging squarely places us back into the present moment, where (if we’ve succeeded with our “Stop it” method) there is no victimizing occurring.

I was victimized. My childhood was a cesspool of neglect and abandonment, at the hands of an alcoholic. My adulthood, as set up from this formative experience, was shaped by the grooming of a predator.

These experiences don’t define me. My identity is comprised of resilience, openness, and courage.